New Shoes

So I don't normally make new year's resolutions, I know for a fact I wouldn't do it, but last night we all made one - I guess it was a conversation filler. So this year I will attempt to meet and befriend at least 10 new people.

Undecided On Fate

Circumstance is a funny old thing. What interests me and gets me pondering a lot is how one simple action or moment in time affects the next simple action or moment in time. Everything we do depends upon something prior. I think this is why I'm terrible at making decisions, I'm too scared of making the wrong one - even though that results in making no decision and in turn gets me nowhere.

What intrigues me though is how we all go through life, walking by hundreds of strangers who in that moment have, even though maybe very minutely, had an affect on your life. Yet we pay no attention. I will quite often sit in traffic and wonder where the car in front has been or is going, who that person has just seen or going to see, then in turn what that person is up to.

On the topic of fate though, I'm undecided. Are all these little moments in time already planned out? Has somebody already written our lives? Even if not exactly as it goes, are there certain parts that we are destined to live? Or is it all just a game of chance?

If circumstances were different I would have written something else today.

// song at time of writing: Please Bleed - Ben Harper

Typical Response

Merry bloody Christmas

// song at time of writing: I'm Ready - Jack's Mannequin

Sunday Frown

I think I've been frowning ever since I woke up this morning. I'm secretly hoping the new year will bring me a new wave of confidence and determination to get up and make something of myself. A reason to use my mind creatively. A purpose to interact with those around me. Essentially I'm just bored. Which is no reason to feel sorry for myself, but some days it just can't be helped.

// song at time of writing: Amie - Damien Rice

Day of Re-Discovery

It's one of those days where you go through the old. Listening to old albums you shelved after over playing them for weeks on end, appreciating them all over again, with fresh ears. They sound so different now. Looking at old photos abandoned in boxes beneath the bed, trying to put names to faces and reliving the moments with a chinese whisper spin on things.

Boxes full of memories, pieces of paper kept for setimental value at the time but you wonder what the value was. Collections of postcards written by people you haven't seen in 5 years, let alone spoken to, get filed under 'f' for 'forgotten'.

Some could say it's time for a clear out, others - like me - place everything back in the same locations, making the same indentations only to be re-discovered again, to play another game of chinese whispers.

// song at time of writing: Losing My Religion - R.E.M.

Mortar Board

I never said did I? I'm a fully fledged graduate. Picked up my piece of paper, shook the man's hand, wore the outfit (not necessarily in that order) and everything! Go me.

// song at time of writing: Get It Together - The Go! Team

Car Stickers

Sh*t Happens

City Dwellers

Went to London today, now I feel shattered. I may even go to bed before 12 which for me is very rare, very rare indeed.

// song at time of writing: Something Better Change - The Stranglers

Need Some Focus

And I don't just mean something to set my sights on - which obviously would be useful. Why can I not get my photos in focus?! I picked up a film today that i got developed and most are out of focus; a couple aren't bad but I just feel so dissappointed when that happens. Maybe somebody will teach me.

First day at work today; was only supposed to be 3 hours, but ended up as 6 so that was alright (bit of the extra money thing). Have to go in at 9 tomorrow.

And at dinner today I was actually talking to my family about art and the way people interpret it - sounds obscure to me now when I say that but it's true. We had the 'Art School' BBC2 on the tv and actually had a discussion about art. Weird.

// Task: To spend at least 30 minutes on my portfolio - Done
// song at time of writing: In The Name Of Love - U2

Pick Up The Pen

I like handwritten letters. There is something so personal about them. Receiving one always puts a smile on my face; and in this day and age they're a rare treat. Desks these days don't have endless supplies of pens, instead endless supplies of removable storage media. I find that sad.

Failed yet another task on Saturday, I didn't set one for Sunday. Monday I'll start over.

And Monday is also my first day in my new job with books. Here's to working in a bookshop. My third job since moving back home. Maybe some web company will realise my potential by the end of the year and snap me up. *dream dream dream*.

// song at time of writing: Bird Stealing Bread - Iron And Wire

For The Last Time

Ooh, it's my last night tonight! I told most of them yesterday that I was leaving, and they actually sounded genuinely surprised. I'll be glad when it's over though.

It was sooo cold this morning at 6.00, had to scrape the windscreen. Mind you I'm cold now.

So, I'm already getting slack about doing my little tasks. I didn't do my task for Friday - To cycle for 15 minutes. As a forfeit I will have to cycle for twice as long; I'll save it for during the week though, hehe.

I'm a bit all over the place today, not too sure what I'm doing, or maybe what I should be doing. Think it's one of those non days where you don't exactly do much of any worth. Wouldn't it be something to do something of worth everyday? I don't mean something that changes the lives of others necessarily, but something of worth to yourself; let's be realistic.

// song at time of writing: She drove me to daytime television - Funeral For A Friend

Heavy Eyes

Well, just got back from work; now I only have two nights left. I think I may go to sleep now though because I'm bound to get woken up early for some reason or other.

Technically it's still yesterday (I haven't been to sleep yet) so..

// Task: To apply to at least 3 jobs - Done

Spam or Ham

I see the spammers have found me.

// song at time of writing: Drive - Incubus

Good Day to Quit

So, today I quit the supermarket. No more nights for me after this saturday! Too hasty you cry. On the contrary; this morning I had a second meeting with a bookshop who then offered me a job. Yay. It is less hours and less money, but it does mean I can get back to the reality of not working nights. I still have to stack shelves; but with lovely books instead. And hopefully as we're getting towards the dreaded *whispers* Christmas, there'll be some extra hours going. All in all a happy day.

// Task: Take at least 5 photos - Done (Yesterday's task also complete)
// song at time of writing: The skin of my yellow coutry teeth - Clap your hands say yeah

Simple Task

So, each day I'm going to set myself a simple task - just to keep my mind ticking over. Todays task is to read for at least 30 minutes (so ok, I haven't actually done it yet but I will by the end of the day; well by the time I go to sleep which I class as the end of the day).

What I'll do is write my task and whether or not I successfully completed it at the end of my posts - sounds quite regimented but I'm in that kind of mood.

And in other news.. hehe.
Started GCSE today. Thought it was only going to be a quick enrolment; ended up being the full 2 and a half hours introduction to the course sort of class. Was good though - quite looking forward to getting stuck in; sketch books and all (never thought I'd hear myself saying that!) The other people seem cool enough. We had to do this introduction memory type thing, I really don't like things like that but it wasn't too bad. For once I wasn't sat in the corner not talking to anyone which is good - I think I made a good effort in all honesty and I pat myself on the back for that.

// Task: Read for at least 30 minutes - Pending
// song at time of writing: Selfless, cold and composed - Ben Folds Five

State of Mind

It is though isn't it? It's all just a state of mind.

So I slept until 3pm today; merely because I couldn't sleep last night and didn't until gone 4.30am. Night shift is not my idea of fun. Well, maybe it would be somewhere else, with different people. Circumstance means everything.

However, enrollment day tomorrow. I will be starting a GCSE in photography, one evening a week. When I woke up this afternoon I really wished I'd taken the 2 year course, but then I go through the reasons again as to why I made the right choice. I don't know; is it going to be something I'll always regret? Don't they say no regrets? I guess it's one of those things you can only reflect on when it's not this moment in time. I've done a degree, and now I'm about to do a GCSE - it makes perfect sense.

Teaching myself QuarkXPress at the moment. I think it's just my way of trying to do something of use - even if I will never use it. Still, applying for jobs all over the country is boring me now so I need something to occupy my mind. If I'm not busy I'll just sit and think too much, ponder my worth. There is no happy medium.

// song at time of writing: PVC - Llama Farmers

Midnight Lunch

It's weird, well it's not really weird - probably more like human nature really. All through the week I'm fine (within reason); then boom it hits me on a thursday at around 9pm and doesn't leave until monday morning.

I don't want to do this work much longer. I'm just glad I'm on a temporary contract.

// song at time of writing: Lean On Me - Bill Withers

The Start

Crazy. So somewhere along the way I must have done something right because I got a 2:1.

And now? And now I am using my degree to its full potential obviously; I am working the Night Shift in a Supermarket. But steady, it's only 3 nights a week, anything more than that and I think I'd go mad. I really don't know how people do that for years on end.

It's nearly been 3 months since I finished Uni, as much as I've looked for a job I think I'd enjoy I just can't find one that'll take me on. Catch-22 is all over the place, like a disease. "Sorry, we need somebody with experience" - well you go ahead and hire me, then I'll have experience! Somebody... anybody?! Please..

I've even been offering my services (in web design) practically free to people so I can build on my portfolio. Check the queue at the door - Nope, I can't see anybody there either.

As people have been saying though - 3 months is nothing really, I'll give it time, and if I really want it I'll get there eventually. But do I really, and I mean really want it?! I like to think I do.

// song at time of writing: Like Eating Glass - Bloc Party

Unity is Over

So, I've finished with that part of my life. What do we call it? Education. I can now put the letters BA (Hons) after my name though. Bonus.

Realisation

Everything is superficial

// song at time of writing: Running for home - Matthew Good Band